“Be the Cancer”

Today I had an appointment with the therapist here at HHI. Everyone here has 2 complimentary appointments with the therapist, and today i had my second session. We started off taking about nonsense, then got into how i was feeling since ive been here. I was very honest with him and i explained that my first 2 weeks were not easy. The time went on talking about my time here and finally he stopped me and said “im going to switch gears for a minute, close your eyes and pretend you are the cancer” he said “tell me about yourself” I closed my eyes and sat there for a minute, I didnt really know what to say. I had never really pictured myself as the cancer, nor did i have any idea what the cancer would say.  I started off by saying “well i kinda suck” he responded “why” I said “because im trying to attack Carley” he asked “do you think youll win?” I said “Well i’ve tried before and i didnt, so why would I win this time” he continued asking me questions until i came to the point where (still speaking as the cancer) i said “I dont want to hurt Carley” he responded with “but you are” I didnt know what to say for a minute since i knew i was completely contradicting myself. I suddenly realized that in my mind i believe the cancer inside of me isnt trying to kill me. I know its there, i can feel it and the scans show it, but is it trying to kill me? No, i dont think so. Its trying to teach me. I used to think my body just wasnt cooperating with me and inhibiting me from doing the things i want to do. Im realizing now that yes the cancer in preventing me from leading a “normal” teenage life. But its not trying to kill me. I have learned so much through these past 2 years dealing with cancer. But do i wish i was at school? Yes! Do i wish i could still be training every day? Absolutely! But i wouldn’t trade what i have learned in these past two years for anything. Im not saying I wanted to have cancer, or i like having cancer. But it has shown me so much and taught me so much i refuse to believe the cancer inside of me is a killer. Its more like a very difficult teacher that doesn’t think i’m ready to graduate, but when it does, I will be the best version of myself possible.

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5 thoughts on ““Be the Cancer”

  1. everyday I read and reread your comments….you have a unique ability to teach others Carly while you are learning yourself. Love to both you and your mom, ….breathe in your last few days there, as its really cold here!
    Moe Harvey

  2. Thank you for sharing this Carley. Seeing this experience as a positive and a chance to grow can only help you get stronger physically. You are absolutely beautiful inside and out.

  3. What clarity of thought you have Carley… At the end of the day, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason… and its our daunting job to figure those reasons out… Sounds like you certainly have and it appears that you’re clearly on your path to health and wellness. Every blessing to you and your family!

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