Today started the same as most days here in the hospital. Wake up, answer some messages on my phone, start my mango smoothy, and order breakfast. But shortly after breakfast the visitors started flowing in. I think its safe to say i had more then 50 visitors throughout the entire day. i was overwhelmed with support and love, but one thing really stood out for me today. Today was the first time I really heard the word cancer being said openly. It kind of took me by surprise. My dad always refereed to my tumour as a lump, and when people asked about my diagnosis my dad would mostly respond, “she has a lump in her throat.” So i wasn’t really used to hearing tumour or cancer. By this time most people were starting to find out bits and peices about first pathology report results. I distinctly remember the first moment i heard some refer to my condition as cancer. I almost felt a bit uncomfortable, as if it was a swear word or something. i looked around the room and saw a few more stunned faces, we had just never heard someone come out and say it. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but i was really hoping for later.
It was finally starting to feel real, i have cancer. But its so different being the one with cancer, opposed to being around a loved one with cancer. It all comes down to control. I have complete control of beating this, staying positive and healthy. My mom on the other hand feels like she has lost all the controls, and i know thats what scares her the most. I try to comfort her and tell her i’m strong and i’m going to be ok, but i know she just wishes she could make it disappear.
This quote was sent to me today from an amazing figure skater i got the honour of getting to know very well in 2011, Shizuka Arakawa
“god never gives us more then we can handle.”